Biff Spackle has uncovered another world exclusive from the dumpsters at the Department of Energy. It seems that an application like this one helped secure billions of taxpayer dollars for companies like Solyndra, SolarReserve, etc.
As George Kaiser is reported to have said, “Hey, nuttin’s stopping you from filling out your own loan application and sending it in, chumps!”
1. Full name:
Please enter your real name, you will have an opportunity to list your front company later
2. What will your company manufacture?
Solar panels that are outlandishly overpriced.
Solar panels made of millions of tiny windmills.
Windmills that are outlandishly overpriced.
Windmills that have solar panels on their propeller blades.
Unicorn methane collection catheters.
Pretend electric cars that are so pretentious and expensive nobody will buy them so it will look like you are doing electric cars but it will all be a scam to keep Detroit and the oil companies from getting competed with.
Magic Solar Energy Beans™.
Invention to be named later.
3. What are your qualifications for a loan? (please check all that apply)
I’m related to a Democrat politician
I was a qualified bundler for the Obama 2008 campaign
(Enter amount bundled in 2008)
I am a qualified bundler for the Obama 2012 campaign
(Enter amount bundled in 2012)
I am a qualified fundraiser for the Democrat Party
(Enter amount raised in the last calendar year)
I am a billionaire who is not a crony capitalist but I am willing to learn
I am Elon Musk’s investor
I run Google and can control election results asshole!
4. How much money do you want?
(Please round amount off to the nearest $50,000,000)
5. What other considerations should we be aware of when adjudicating your loan application? (please check all that apply)
I belong to the Augusta Country Club
I have a lifetime membership to the Pebble Beach Golf Course
I am a haute couture women’s fashion designer
I own a beach-side mansion on Martha’s Vineyard
I possess sensitive photographs of Democrat politicians in incriminating and highly embarrassing situations (even for Democrats)
6. Would you like to make an online contribution to the Democrat National Committee today?
(Note: submitting this application will take you to an online contribution form)